If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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