oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
