He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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