dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
