It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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