Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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