The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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