I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
