So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
