Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
