Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My liver just had a heart attack.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
