she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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