I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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