i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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