His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
