I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
