i love accidental penises.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
