i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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