just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
