i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
