I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Randomize
