You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
