i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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