Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
did i walk over a car last night?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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