I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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