so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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