We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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