he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
