i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
