Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
