Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
