doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
