can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
