Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
