ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize