I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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