dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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