capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
