How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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