Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS