Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios