So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
