"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
