If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
