so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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