And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
