i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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