wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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