I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
