I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
