My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
