It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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