I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
