In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
