Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
