life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
