hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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