how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
